What if your child makes you angry? A quick guide to maintaining a healthy relationship
The challenges of parenting are endless, and the level of stress and pressure never lets up. In the midst of all that stress, there are also situations where our little one remembers at 10 o’clock at night that he hasn’t finished his homework, or when dressing for kindergarten he insists on wearing winter tights even though it’s 28 degrees Celsius outside, an older child teases a younger one which results in thunderous crying and you are simply bursting at the seams.
It's not easy being a parent
Don’t worry, there is no parent who hasn’t been infuriated by their own child. We all enter the parental relationship wounded in some way in childhood, and our children bring all these wounds to the surface. This is precisely why it is the responsibility of us adults to stay away from the edge of the cliff of patience and to be aware of the new emotions that children encounter, which sometimes throw us adults off track.
First of all, it is important to understand that we parents are responsible for our angry reaction, not our child. It is also true that children are an easy target for us to vent our frustrations on compared to adults who could respond and return the same measure, such as partners or bosses. Who else could you yell at like that?
How to deal with difficult situations in raising children
Precisely in order to reduce your stormy reaction and prevent your child from growing up with the same emotional wounds, I give you some tips that can help you not to blame your anger or rage on your child and to understand the key processes in moments of anger:
- When you are very angry, the most important thing is NOT TO ACT. Despite the need to act immediately and teach the child a lesson, it is very important not to act while the emotion of anger is at its peak.
- Breathe! Breathing is your pause button, but it also gives you a choice – are you really going to let negative emotions take over?
- Whatever your child does, remember: No hitting. No swearing. No derogatory names. No punishment while angry.
- Say NO to screaming, shouting, yelling. Raising your voice at a child is non-contact wounding. Never scream at your child – screaming is nothing more than a tantrum, and you are no longer a child. If you really have to scream, go where no one can hear you, scream into a pillow in another room, get in the car, roll up the windows and let out a fit of rage, without it having consequences for the child.
- When you really have had enough of everything, take a 5-minute time out (of course, if the child is not too young to be left behind). Physically move away from the child so that the hand does not fly away in temptation. Say as calmly as you can: “I’m too upset and angry, I’ll take a time out and calm down.”
- Your children are sometimes angry too, so it is a double gift for them that you find constructive solutions to deal with anger. Your anger management, apart from preventing the child from feeling hurt, will also set a good example and teach the child how to deal with this strong emotion. Your child will see what it looks like when mom or dad gets angry from time to time, but how you deal with the emotion of anger will teach them a lot.
- Share your frustration with a loved one. Call someone on the phone, get angry. The problem may not be any less when you share it with others, but you will feel better when you find understanding and a word of encouragement from the other side.
- If you are open to emotional growth, your child will always show you where you need to work on yourself. In every stressful situation, you have the power to calm down or escalate the situation. You may be bothered by your child’s behavior, but remember that you are not a helpless victim. Setting limits for the child is the guarantee of success in the long run. Your child may not become a little angel overnight, but you will be surprised to see how much less angry your child is after you have learned to stay calm in the face of his tantrums.
- If you often have trouble controlling your anger, get help. There is no shame in asking for help, it is shame in neglecting your parental responsibility so that you permanently and continuously physically or mentally harm your child.
- Find what makes you happy in raising children, but also be aware of everything that “destroys” you. This can be the key thing that will build your relationship, that will bring you closer and that will help you to grow up together in a healthy way.
Emotional skills are learned while we are alive, and every parent must be aware of how many behaviours and values children acquire through observation alone. Raising children sometimes also means re-educating ourselves, and that requires daily work.
At the Salvea Polyclinic, various psychological and therapeutic programs and counseling are available to children and parents, in which we learn to communicate and regulate our feelings in order to create better relationships.
